Islophobia
by RaptorX5
Summary: Jondy is afraid to be alone. Deals with her fears, her guilt and the blame she places on Manticore.
1. Introduction

**Islophobia. Monophobia. Eremophobia. **It all started when I saw Maxie fall through the ice and was forced to go off by myself. It was fed by Zack's insistence that we split up and follow a strict code of no communication with anyone except him. I'd be lying if I convinced myself it really started there. I think I was always a little bit afraid of being alone, because at Manticore I never was. If I wasn't with one of my fellow soldiers then there were the scientists or the doctors or other soldiers or even Lydecker himself. If I was ever the last to leave an area I knew I wasn't really alone either, there was always the watchful eye of the surveillance equipment. At night I was never alone. Max was always there for me. On the off chance that they had taken Max away from me for some reason, Krit would always take her place. Krit only slept one or two nights a week and only for two or three hours. Krit made a good substitute, and sometimes even Syl and Ben would join us. We were given six full hours in which to sleep each night, it was determined we'd be able to function at peak performance with that much sleep. We never functioned at peak performance, now that I think about it, not even Zack. We all had our own little imperfections and weaknesses, though we were in no way as bad off as the nomies. What was mine? Besides deserting my little sister and best friend in her most dire time of need, the living conditions at Manticore had turned me into a Monophob.

Even when it came down to escape and evade exercises where it was supposed to be every man for themselves, Max, Zack, Krit and I made sure that we all made it back to the rendezvous point in the allotted time. Every time we were paired off to spar it was Max and Zack, Krit and I, Syl and Zane; no one was ever left alone. It was training that had overpowered me when Max fell through the ice only a step behind me. **Never go back for a fallen soldier you could get compromised or even killed. **This time it was no exercise, the stakes were high and it was all or nothing. My sister or my freedom and my life? And still I went back for her, I had to. The soldiers drove me away, I didn't want to leave her, but I didn't want to get caught either. I would circle back and help Max once they had moved on. When I made it back to the hole in the ice the soldiers were gone and so was Max. Did they get her? Did she get away? Was that the footfall of a soldier behind me and the click of a gun? Training told me to keep moving, so I ran and met Zack at the rendezvous point at the time he'd indicated to me. We all had different set appointments, he didn't think it was safe for us to ever come together in-groups of more then two again. Two by two we had always marched in a line. Two by two we spared. Two by two, Max and I had always been two by two and I let her down. We slept in neat rows of two by two. Max and I spent most of our nights two by two. Two silhouettes against the moon of the barracks roof. Two bodies on one cot talking the night away. Two holding hands and prowling around the compound after lights out. We lived out lives two by two like the animals on Noah's arch. Always two by two and now I was alone. An army of one. Alone.

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AN: This is only the introduction for now. I have the start of the first chapter but not really a clear idea. Plus I think I need to finish Carnival first and get Extraction part two to Ashes to Ashes done. Anyhoo tell me what you think. . .

Preview of first chapter ( Back against the wall) : 

Everywhere I went I was alone, even when I wasn't. Alone and on my own with the enemy everywhere I turned. I never let my guard down. I would carry out Zack's orders even though it meant being alone all the time. Being alone was better then being back at Manticore. I'd do anything to stay free. I'd be alone forever if it meant never having to go home. 


	2. Back against the wall

Everywhere I went I was alone, even when I wasn't. Alone and on my own with the enemy everywhere I turned. I never let my guard down. I would carry out Zack's orders even though it meant being alone all the time. Being alone was better then being back at Manticore. I'd do anything to stay free. I'd be alone forever if it meant never having to go home.

I felt dirty, like I couldn't wash enough. I was surrounded and engulfed by things I was taught to hate and despise, it made me feel unclean. I slipped back into the living shadows, longing and trepidation at war in my heart. It won't happen again. I'm a soldier, damn it. I just need to keep a grip on things. I will never again approach a normal, no matter what the situation. The last one I approached thought I was playing some make believe scenario out when I asked them what their designation was. I'm better off alone. I hate this place. Cold. Desolate yet teaming with vermin. We'd been taught that poverty was a weakness but I'd never really understood it. How could a monetary sum dictate weakness? We had never had any money or possessions, yet my family was the personification of strength. Everywhere around me people were poorer then I was but they seemed happy as long as they weren't alone. I hated being alone but necessity dictated that I was. I wasn't like them.

Fear of open spaces or of being in crowded, public places like markets. Fear of leaving a safe place. I had all of them. I was content simply to stay where I had been the last time I had seen Zack. He told me to stay in the area and I would not disobey a direct order. I might have had a tendency to be sarcastic but I'd never put myself into danger intentionally. Zack had told me to stay where he had left me, he didn't give me explicit instructions. What if I left or moved to far and he couldn't find me when he returned? That was unacceptable. I may have been alone but I couldn't stand if he thought that I had deserted him. I would have enjoyed a full military occupation of the world after the pulse… somehow an armed guard on every corner with a pistolisedAK-47 assault riffle in full riot gear and camouflage would have made me feel more secure then this randomness did.

Mother and Father were abstract concepts to me. Zack had implied I might find a Family to stay with, a foster family. This didn't work out for me. Mother and Father. Matriarch and Patriarch of the Family unit. I had lost my family, bothers and sisters were people lost, dead, gone, taken. Mother and Father I assumed were like the Tac. Leader and C.O. of the family unit but nothing I needed or longed for. I longed for my siblings, not strangers to be close to or force some fabricated unity to. Family was something I had lost a long time ago, some forever like Eva, Jack and Avi; and others simply to the unknown. Both were just as bad scenarios. I was beginning to think I had lost Zack to the same fate as well… it had been too long since I'd seen him. I never strayed too far, for too long from where he had left me here. I wanted to be close by when he came back.

My hair had grown shaggy, down to my ears, just short of covering my barcode. I had tried to have it removed, actually had it removed. It took an eternity. Dermabrasion, where skin is "sanded" to remove the surface and middle layers; and then Cryosurgery, where the area is frozen prior to its removal, just to be sure. The dermatological surgeon removed the tattoo from the back of the neck of a girl no older then eleven. It took a lot of persuasion and a whole lot more in monetary sums. I made up some lack luster story about wanting a gang tattoo removed because there was a threat on my life, not far from the truth and the guy took pity on me and actually decided to do the second sitting a week later free of charge. I could field strip a rifle in 15 seconds and reassemble it in less time in the dark, but this necessary evil I had a hard time doing alone.

Alone was actually easy to do on the dark solitary streets in the middle of the night. When cold darkness seeped in all around you and no one noticed another street rat punk kid. Someone had called me that when I darted in front of their car on my way back to my alleyway after the trip to the guy who took off my "tattoo". The darkness welcomed me because it was no different from daylight to my eyes and we had always been taught to blend in with the shadows. It seemed all the vagabond population, all of us street dwellers were travelers lost with no home to return to. Squatting was an opportunity missed because it was a tactical risk I could not afford to take. Roaming with no set goal, no mission, no destination, and no roles. It was a pointless existence that forced one to strive to survive and stay strong in the struggle. I had a strong necessity to just keep on the move but never stray far from the last point I'd seen Zack. Two years was a long time… Darkness becomes customary and comforting, a companion to one who dwells in the shadows and almost never needs to sleep.

I eventually fell to the demon. I may hardly ever sleep but when the need hits me I crash and burn. I'd been feeling like crap and my hands shook like Jack's when I took the time to pause and study them. When I crash and burn I'm down for the count for at least eight hours. I never felt to comfortable letting my guard down for that long, most of the time three or four hours at a time kept me operating at peak performance with small cat naps. This time was different. This time I didn't want to sleep but fatigue won out. This time I didn't need to sleep. Infact I had slept only two days ago. There was this guy another street dweller who I was semi comfortable with living at the start of what had become my alley. He was sure no friend or confidant, I was a loner by necessity, I couldn't afford the weakness of friendship. He allowed me to let my guard down long enough to sleep because he promised to look out for me. I trusted him because he had eyes like Zack's, a smile like Zane's, and a bit of Krit's sense of humor. He was young, twenty or so, and had some sort of military background but no knowledge of Manticore. I had brought back food for both of us and as we ate and kept up a lively banter about our latest excursions and adventures, which really didn't amount to much of anything, the demon snuck up on me from the shadows. My full stomach allowing me to slip into a world of unconsciousness that I didn't even see coming. My eyes shut with the surprise and force of the slamming door on a solitary confinement cell


End file.
